The Unworthy Saint

I had some really messed up dreams last night. I dunno if I’m allowed to talk about stuff like this, but considering the things I’ve talked about in the past, I’m going to anyway.

Remember, this is a dream: I almost had sex with a friend from my past last night. It’s someone I’ve never dated or anything. But we did all kinds of other stuff, it was very intense. I woke up from it, thankfully, before things went all the way. It’s just really disturbing to me.

Another of my friends once told me that when you’re not giving into pornography, masturbation, etc your mind tends to process your past in your dreams – like if you have 8 years of pornography and sexual experiences built up in your head, it will come out in your dreams even when you’re not indulging in your waking hours.

So that’s where I find myself. Every once in a while I have really messed up dreams. However, until now it wasn’t with someone I knew, nor was it that personal and intense. I don’t think you can blame satan and his minions for everything that goes “wrong” in our lives, but this is something I feel just in blaming on him. I really feel like I was attacked last night.

Before I went to bed I had my past flashing through my head and all I could do was pray “Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.” And all I could say was “Satan, in the name of Christ please leave me alone.” I don’t know much about spiritual warfare, about rebuking satan or demons, etc. It’s not something I have experience with – but I felt extremely attacked last night. So that was my cry for help to God and that was my meek rebuke of satan. I don’t feel like I had much else to say or do.

The rest of night after that first dream I had other messed up dreams, but they weren’t sexual in nature. In fact, I don’t remember them now, I just remember them being fairly intense and waking from them multiple times. The funny thing is that I generally feel rested, I just feel beat down from the intensity and somewhat defeated for even having them. I suppose though, that we can’t exactly control how we are tempted, especially in our dreams, but we can control our response. My response has been to run to the Lord’s arms claiming Jesus’ blood and asking for mercy, rebuke satan very timidly, and write this to you. I might add that if anyone isn’t timid in rebuking satan, please rebuke him for his torturing me… assuming that’s biblical. Maybe I should look that up first.

Anyhow, that was my night. I don’t write it to be explicit or gross. I write it to be truthful and to hopefully share with someone who has gone through something similar, but felt like they were alone in it. I pray you realize I am a sinner, in need of God’s mercy and have compassion for me.

You’ve got to see/listen to this work of art – This Binary Universe by BT. Bt is a musician/artist (btmusic.com) who is heavily focused on the intersection of human emotion and technology. His latest creation come with a cd, but it also came with a 5.1 mixed dvd complete with moving images for each song. It’s such a cool experience to be able to listen to the music and see art that was made to go with the music. And the music is very laid back, almost soundtrackish with no vocals – which makes the dvd pretty perfect. From his work I’ve had many ideas on how something similar to this could be used for worship – but more on that later. Check his stuff out if you have a chance.

I just read “Confessions of a Reformission Rev.: Hard Lessons from an Emerging Missional Church” By Mark Driscoll yesterday. I don’t usually read whole books in a day, but his was an exception. It’s not overly lengthy at 200 pages, but it’s very interesting. The book chronicles the rise of Mars Hill Church, Seattle from the perspective of it’s founder and lead pastor Mark Driscoll. He talks about the mistakes they made, the things they did well, and briefly what they learned about church structure.

Personally, religion is one of my favorite topics to read about. Another favorite topic of mine is business along with business structure, growth, marketing, vision, etc… and so it kinda paired a couple of my interests up. And I’m not saying that a church should be run like a business – it shouldn’t. Running the church like a business is a fatal error that many churches make. But at the same time, it’s not so different from a business – it’s just that if you take your queues from a buiness book instead of the Bible, you’re sure to get off track rather quickly.

Anyhow, I totally recommend the book if you’re at all interested in reaching young people of this day and age for Christ, or if you’re interested in being on staff at a growing church.

The kids at Mars Hill Seattle have put together an FAQ and a Top 10 things to look for in a mate that are just great. If you’re single and looking for a girl/boy or if you’re already dating/courting someone, you should totally check these talks out.

Go to the Mars Hill Church Site >Downloads > Classes > Covenant Media

The gospel of Christ should trickle down through all parts of your life, transforming, vitalizing as it goes, and in the end, crystalizing in the form of obedience. If there is not a constant stream of transformation, if all your being is stagnant and unchanging, the best you could do is not to read self-help books, but to stop and read the bible, and not to try and change yourself, but to stop and ask God to change you. As much as it seems we can do on our own, all our efforts pale in comparison to the transforming nature of the gospel of Christ – and one of the tests of this transformation seems to be obedience (not perfection, but a desire for and pursuit of obedience).

You can’t fall off an edge you’re not even close to.

In other words, if you struggle with a sin, don’t tempt yourself. Put as much distance between you and that sin as possible. If you aren’t around the temptation/catalyst, you’ll be less likely to fall.

I went and saw Massive Attack at the Nokia Theater in Grand Prarie, Texas last night. It was awesome. I sometimes forget what a great venue the Nokia Theater is. There’s really not a bad seat in the house. We ended up being on the second level, a little to the left. Once Massive Attack started playing though a lot of the people got up out of their chairs and went down front and danced – it ended up we were able to sit down for the entire concert (which was pretty sweet).

Massive Attack was awesome. The technology they had for their light show was part of what impressed me – they had facts about DFW scrolling on their led screens before the show. During the show they posted current news stories for our area including “Thunderstorms roll into Dallas” which had just happened the afternoon before the show. Besides that technology the lighting went right along with their music – it was beautiful. Massive Attack is so groovy and laid back, but so cool. You could feel the base pumping, hear the vocalist, percussion, etc… The mix wasn’t too loud but it wasn’t too soft either. The whole thing was very well put together.

All in all, I loved it. Not much that I can find to complain about. I’d recommend seeing Massive Attack at some point in your life. It’s just something no words can justify, you have to experience it. Similar to, but different from, a U2 show – it’s really something you should experience at least once in your life.

I’ve not really written in a long while. The last days and weeks are a blur. But I feel a need to write and I have a desire to let people into my life. I think part of being human is sharing emotions, experiences, and thoughts on the both. Here are a few topics pertaining to my life if you’re interested…

A New Chapter
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My roomate of the last month or two moved out today. It’s a sad day. He left for Washington DC, the nation’s capital. I know that his leaving is a good thing – God is going to use him in amazing ways up there. He tends to have an impact on the people he’s around in a way most people don’t. I think God has blessed him with a very loving and accepting personality, coupled with high, but still accessible, intelligence. With that combination of traits he has a huge impact on the people he’s around.

For me it’s hard to pinpoint all the ways he’s impacted my life. I don’t suppose I feel the need to write it all out anyway – let’s just say he’s changed me for the better. I thank God for pairing us up, letting us rub off on each other for the year we got to spend time together as friends and the couple months we spent as roomates.

A chapter has ended in this little part of my life and that brings sadness – but it also brings me joy to reflect on all the good memories, the changes, the shared experiences. It also means a new chapter is opening and with the new chapter comes new memories and new expeirences. I think it’s neat, though, that I have been changed and anything from now on will be building on what has been built – as in our relationship has laid groundwork for new relationships with different people.

I don’t say all this to imply I won’t ever speak to my good friend again. No, I will speak to him regularly – it just won’t be an every-night-up-til-2am-playing-scrabble type of thing. Bittersweet. Sadness and joy – who knows which is to blame for the tears.

Busy-ness
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I’ve been so busy – that’s why I haven’t been writing up on this blog. I’ve been working on a couple freelance projects, one of which I finished this afternoon (which is why I have time to write), looking and interviewing for jobs, seeing my friend off, building relationships, etc… And I don’t see my schedule letting up much. I’ll be teaching a bible-study in October/November it looks like. I’m also helping with a church membership class here shortly. Hopefully I’ll find a part-time or full-time job soon that will support me. And as always I have my two small groups and various other things I do at the church.

Photography and Art
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I went to an excellent seminar on photography this past Monday. Kelly Moore spoke on her practices as a wedding and portrait photographer and it was really interesting. I’ve found that there are few things in life that excite me more than hearing about whatever it is that people are passionate about. Kelly is very passionate about taking good pictures. She has an excellent grasp of marketing and turns out both great product but great collateral. She knows how to run a business and I respect her for it. I also respect her proclaimation of faith and her in-your-face approach to everything she does. Check out her stuff ( http://www.kellymoorephotography.com ) – she’s definitely inspired me to get my camera back our and experiment a bit. She also made me realize that what she does is something I can do, but in a different way… which is something I’m interested in exploring.

My old roomate showed me some of his paintings this weekend – his work is really free and really cool. My painting tends to be very controled and tedious, so his is a stark contrast to mine. He’s kind of inspired me to go back and explore something I put away a while back – and to try a different style.

In my working hard to finish my freelance projects I’ve been reminded just how much I love scripting and the problem-solving process. There’s something there that I need to remember to keep in my life. I need to push myself mentally, physically and artistically with my digital stuff – whether it’s business projects or personal stuff.

I’m also about to start up a writing group with a friend of mine. At this point it’s just the two of us. He’ll be working on a screenplay and a collection of letters/writing and I’ll be working on a book idea I had. I’m really looking forward to the research and writing, the scheduled creativity, and the chance to push myself. I can’t wait for this to start up.

Cooking
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My roomie basically taught me to cook over the past month or two, mostly because I just watched him. He also gave me my first really quality chef’s knife. I’m really looking forward to doing more cooking on my own and experimenting a bit. I’m also looking forward to sharing the things I cook with other people. I plan on having people over to watch football most weekends and so it’ll give me a venue to try cooking and share it with people I love.

I sent this message out via text message to a few of my friends last night:
“Feeling very overwhelmed. Please pray for me – peace and trust.”

An hour or two later I sent out this one:
“Once again God says ‘Philip, have faith in me. Your burdens are nothing for me – I am your father and I love you dearly’ Once again He proves Himself to me with a call out of the blue about a freelance job. His grace abounds in my life though I am unworthy. Why is it so hard for me to trust?”

Here’s a CS Lewis passage my mom told me to look at. It’s wonderful and very much as to do with my issues and where I’m at in my life:

We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity – like perfect charity – will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God’s help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however importantly chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less that perfection.
- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

Most of the time when I write in my blogs I write indirectly about things affecting my life – that is, I don’t write stories, but I write about the things I’m learning, feeling, etc. Today I want to write about an experience that made me stop and celebrate.

I know next to nothing about Autism. I know it has something to do with sensory overload, but I couldn’t tell you want to to with an Autistic child, how to treat them, how to comfort them. So when Bobby’s (not his real name) dad brought him to our kindergarden class at church, I was a little bit scared. But he took his time and tried to explain as best he could what might happen, when Bobby might have problems, and what we should do about it. He left us basically saying that since this was their first weekend to attend the Village, Bobby would probably freak out and we’d just have to call the dad to come comfort him.

We didn’t have to call his dad. I stayed with Bobby the entire time, rubbing his back, holding his hand, just trying to let him know that he is loved, cared for, and safe. As under-qualified as I was to take care of him, God kept Bobby calm and helped me comfort him. He did wonderful. He colored a picture, banged on a bucket, played with the frogs in the room – all things pretty normal for a kindergardener. Now, I’ll admit he’s behind developmentally and he’s older and bigger than the rest of the kids. And the kids know he’s different… but this morning went really well all in all.

The best part of my morning was when his dad showed back up after church completely surprised that we didn’t have to call him. There was just this look of relief in his eyes and something in his voice that seemed so grateful. I can’t say that I did anything special, but it was just neat to be a part of it. It was cool to be a part of letting his dad worship uninterrupted, cool to send a message that Bobby is safe with us. I almost felt like we got to say “Welcome home, this is your church. You and bobby are safe here.” As they walked out the door tears welled up in my eyes and when one of the other children said “will you play superman with me?” it was all I could do to turn to him and say “yes” without crying.