The Unworthy Saint

It was a grand beat-down. Autumn and I left early because we were drenched. Basically what happened is that we had a tarp that we laid down, then we added some blankets and folded the tarp back over the top of us. So we went to sleep about 9 or something. I think it was 12 when people started scrambling because the sprinklers came on just a hundred feet or so from where we were.

Well… Autumn and I decided we didn’t want to move so I rigged the tarp up to cover us a bit better and we figured we’d be fine. Well, we were the only ones who stuck through the sprinklers… and I’m pretty sure we’re the only ones who left early cause they were drenched. Basically, the tarp leaks and it wasn’t rigged good enough anyway so water just gathered in the bottom of the tarp and soaked us through. So for about 2 hours we laid there soaked, huddled together trying to stay warm. I think she was able to sleep, I didn’t sleep really though. I just kinda thought about what a bad idea it was not to move away from the sprinklers. So, I ended up running back to get the car, picked her up, took her to her car and then we parted ways after a long “i know, i know, it was horrible wasn’t it” hug.

I felt horrible. Like lower than low. I felt pretty worthless, very very insecure with myself, kinda felt like I couldn’t win. It’s been a rough week and I was just really down on myself – believing *all* of the devil’s lies. So I cried for a while and eventually sent a text message to my good friend Tim just kinda stating how I was feeling. Well, he called me. At 5 am. He was awake… And thank God. I told him the story and he just laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And he helped me put the whole thing in true perspective. He helped me realize how funny it was that Autumn and I were sitting alone in the middle of a baseball fiend, in the middle of Dallas, Texas, under a tarp at 3 am, soaked to the bone because of the sprinklers, miserable and cold… all because I/we decided not to move and I mis-rigged an already leaky tarp.

The only other thing that redeemed the night for me was when Autumn said (paraphrased) “you know, I’m glad we stayed in the field and got soaked. Yeah, we were miserable, but we experienced more of what the children of Uganda experience – not every night they commute, every night they sleep outside, is clear and beautiful like ours. Some nights they get soaked to the bone… Some nights the wind rips through their fragile little bodies…” Amen. And for that reason, I’m happy to suffer…for even a glimpse of what it’s like for them.

For more info on it all check http://www.invisiblechildren.com

A working artist is much like a flower pushing back it’s petals – in doing so they reveal their beautiful, fragile inside…

I feel completely drained of any energy especially emotional energy…

and I can’t find God anywhere it seems.

I feel broken today.

A right relationship is one that glorifies God. After all, why would relationships be any different than the rest of life? In our lives we are called to glorify God in all that we do (Col 3:17, 1 Peter 4:11, 1 Cor 10:31) – and our lives include the relationships we are a part of.

Right relationships are about serving, praising and delighting in the Lord, in a relational context. So how do we do this? To treat anyone the way they should be treated, you have to get past yourself and realize that honoring and loving God is number one. It is impossible to separate the creation from God and do God or the creation any amount of honor. It is only with a heart for God that we can honor any element of creation – any human being.

How should we treat each other? As Matt Chandler says, if we were all treated fairly we would all get Hell. But Christ has redeemed us and God gives us what we don’t deserve on our own. In the same way, we cannot treat each other how we deserve, but we should model God’s treatment of us, respecting His creation, and treat others as perfect, beautiful, redeemed children of the Most High. If our treatment of the person we’re in relationship with is based on their merit rather than their value in Christ, how can you show someone love when they do something wrong? Could this be why divorce rates are so high?

note: We must be careful using “deserve” in the context of relationship. As fallen Beings we are “deserving” of nothing good. However, as a result of God’s redemption, we are all invaluable and, in that way only we are “deserving”, of good treatment.

note: Unconditional love can only come through God because only God is that stable – unconditional love can only come through loving God and in obedience to Him, loving His created beings.

So why shouldn’t we just write-off relationships all together? Relationships should teach you truths about God that you can’t grasp any other way. Delighting in the beauty of the person you are in relationship with, in a pure way, can be delighting in God. It is about the approach, the heart.

Son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a sinner… some days I feel it so vividly. I feel so alone. Distance self-imposed. I fell so hard. I fell so short of my intentions. And I mourn. I tear my mind from limb to limb. Ruthless. Relentless. And unrepentant.

“Promises and wishes all mean nothing when it’s me I’m speaking to. Wanting something won’t mean I will see it through.” – Under My Feet by Celldweller

a short list of things i have learned in my life:

always say “i love you” back to someone who says it to you – it diminishes the effect, makes it a reply rather than a statement of it’s own when you say “i love you too.” (taken from monica butler)

listening is better than talking. (taken from the bible)

absolute statements are something to handle with care. however, there are absolutes – not everything is relative.

obedience to Christ, in faith, is the simplest way to get closer to Him.

hope is knowing there’s something better.

relationships are more meaningful than money, work, etc.

my time is not my own, my money is not my own, my relationships are not my own, my talents are not my own – everything is God’s. everything.

suffering is resistance to pain. the degree of resistance is equal to the degree of suffering. take the pain when it comes and you won’t suffer. (taken from hubert selby jr)

to hear the voice of God i should be “reading the bible more than any other book and talking to God more than any other person” (taken from tim haynes)

“People have too many beliefs and too few opinions. And they don’t know the difference between them.” (taken from Rich Mullins)

in any given situation i think the potential for joy is greater, and/or more important, than the potential for hurt.

it is important to see the beauty in the world. get up early and watch the sun rise. go outside and watch the sun set. stand out in the rain. look up at the stars. watch butterflies, ants, dogs, squirrels. God’s reflection can be seen, to some extent, in his creation.

smiling and laughter make the world a much better place.

honesty is always the best policy.

say “i love you” if you do, you never know if you’ll get another chance to tell someone.

prayer has more power than we know.

there is healing in confession.

A gurgling or rattling sound sometimes made in the throat of a dying person, caused by loss of the cough reflex and passage of the breath through accumulating mucus.

I have days that I am so weighed by temptation that, for fear that i will give in, i dare not move… i dare not risk encountering a catalyst that would send me over the edge of temptation and into sin.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own convictions that I mistakenly think everyone should be convicted about the same thing. Forgive me for this, all who have been hurt by it. Pray that I am not so selfish. I understand the Holy Spirit works in all of us, I just have a hard time shutting down what I think is best and letting Him do His thing. It is a pride issue for me. Lord, please take this from me!