The Unworthy Saint

Some days the words just don’t come.

“No man who values originality will ever be original. But try to tell the truth as you see it, try to do any bit of work as well as it can be done for the work’s sake, and what men call originality will come unsought.” – C. S. Lewis

The question was recently posed “How can you be religious and like the movies you like and listen to the music you do?”. This person, I’m sure, was referring to writers like Chuck Palahnuik, bands like Marilyn Manson, Tool – artists I respect who’s creations I enjoy. Here’s my take on the question that was asked:

First I will say I’m not the model Christian – not anything close. I’m actually a disgraceful Christian, a loser, broken and sinful. The great thing about Christianity is that Christ loves me anyway. All I have to do is believe. I try to follow him the best I can, but I’m certainly not perfect. Is it against my religion to listen to Marilyn’s music or read Chuck’s book? I certainly hope not. If Manson’s music causes me to sin, I should probably not listen to it…But I don’t think it does. And even if it does cause me to sin, fortunately Christ is more interested in my heart than anything – and my heart is for Christ (and I don’t mean by that there aren’t consequences for sin).

I like the movies I like, I enjoy the music I enjoy because of respect, in part. For instance, take Marilyn Manson. Manson is the self proclaimed “Anti-Christ Superstar.” He plays the part of the polar opposite of Christ. Do I agree with his views? Absolutely not. However, I respect him as an artist. I think his music is fantastic. His writing is very good. But his message I could live without… so I just ignore that part of it.

Just because I don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean I don’t respect them. In fact, I believe, as a Christian, I am called to respect everyone. I believe that’s part of my walk as a Christian.

And good art is good no matter what religion the artist is, no matter what beliefs they have. As an artist myself, I respect good art. Manson, Tool, Palahnuik (author of Fight Club) are all incredible artists – and, as a fellow artist, I have respect for their talents. Perhaps I wouldn’t chose to exercise my talents in the same way – but who am I to tell them how to live?

So why do I like the movies I like, why do I listen to the music I do? Because I like it. Because I find it fascinating for one reason or another. I don’t have to agree with the artist or the statement to appreciate the art for what it is – good art. I respect these artists a great deal and that respect is born from both an artistic and Christian point of view.

Thanks to the person who posed the question. It’s a very good answer to have to think through.

When someone asks the question “What do you do?” I normally respond with “Oh, I’m a web designer at a firm in Deep Ellum.” And unfortunately, that’s the truth. When will I learn to worship God all day? When will I learn to put Him first? When will I be able to truthfully say “Oh, I worship God all day. On the side I’m a web designer.”? Hopefully sooner than later. I pray.

Some people would say that rules restrict freedom and to exercise your freedom is to break the rules. But if you break the rules for the sake of breaking the rules, you aren’t really exercising your freedom – the rules are still determining your actions. If, however, you objectively look at your circumstance and decide based on your goals what’s best to do, that’s exercising your freedom.

Most of the time rules have consequences if they are broken. Being free also, in my mind, doen’t mean your ignore the consequences of your actions. Being free just means you can make a choice and accept what’s coming to you based on that choice.

I suppose all of this is to explain the idea of free will within Christianity. Most people would look at the rules and say “If you’re a Christian, you’re not free – just look at the sacrifices. No getting drunk, getting laid outside of marriage etc etc.” I think being a Christian is to be just as free with everyone else, however we believe there are consequences to our actions.

Generally Christians are trying to have a closer relationship with God. We are told sin separates us from God. So every time we make a decision, do get drunk or not, get laid or not, we are really deciding whether we want to be closer to or further from God. We are free to decide, but we will have to live with the consequences of our decisions.

I am an anthropologist of sorts. Specifically I am an introspective archaeologist – I dig up the remains of my memories and analyze them. I can’t say this role is always pleasant, or that I mean to do it. Being an archaeologist of myself sometimes isn’t pretty. I don’t have many regrets, but I do have some bad memories. Every once in a while the archaeologist inside me starts picking at the scars trying to figure out what happened – what it is exactly that has shaped who I am today. Sometime it brings me to my knees.

The more I want, the less I have.

Do Or Die
by Dogwood

I killed the Son of God today.
I built the cross where He was slain.
My sins,
The hands that held the hammer that
drove the nails through His skin.
Someday I win.
I want to make it up.
I want to die to myself for You.
It makes me fall apart,
When I think of all that You went through.
I owe my all to You. (I owe my all to You)

Chorus:
Because when it came to do or die.
You died for me,
Though I would be nothing perfect,
For human eyes to see.

My hands are Yours for works.
My eyes will seek until I’ve found You.
My legs will walk the earth,
Until You tell me my work is through.
I want to make it up,
I want to die to myself for You,
You are the one that I love,
I owe my all to you. (I owe my all to you)

(chorus)

I met the Son of God today,
He said “I forgive you for My pain”,
He took my sin that held the hammer
that drove the nails through His skin,
He said I win.

(chorus)

I’m a new creation through You,
Created for You by You.
So make me worth Your while,
Put me to use.

—

I can’t say I’ve ever heard this song. I found it by typing in “die to myself” in google. I’ve been thinking about “dying to myself” quite a bit lately. It’s really been on my mind and it’s what I want to do. I also love the idea of dying to myself – the concept is just so interesting. I like the song and what it says – I’ll have to see if I can find it.

I know, for me, joy can be found in creating art. A problem lies in the fact that I don’t see my art as successful until it’s finished. I’m not satisfied with just the creative process – which is hard because it takes me a long time to finish most art projects. I will be in a better place once I learn to find success in the moment by moment work. Part of the solution will be narrowing my scope further from the day to day vision (which I’ve worked so hard to get down to in the first place) to the here and now – which is something I need to do in my battle against sin and my relationship with God. I need to bring things completely into the present.

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever. (NKJV)