The Unworthy Saint

There’s an ebb and flow to the world, specifically when it comes to darkness and light.  This time, these days are particularly fragile.

There is a point when all things must die.  The time has come for all the clutter and junk in my office and garage.  Thankfully, I’m almost done with the process and ready to move on with my life.  There is absolutely a time for purging, but also a time for living in it’s wake…

I decided to go pick apart Romans and find anything that the book says about an unbeliever apart from Christ, and their standing.  I then applied that to me.  If I am apart from Christ, this is how I am viewed before God.

Romans 1

• I suppress the Truth (1:18)
• The Truth and God’s attributes have been plainly revealed to me, so I am without excuse (1:19-20)
• I do not honor God or give thanks to him, though I know him (1:21)
• I am intentionally leaving a passage out because of it’s past-tense nature.  I do not want to mis-apply the scriptures when they are written about a particular person or persons in a given period. (1:21-27)
• I do not acknowledge God am given to a debased mind. I am filled with unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice, envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness, gossiping, slander, hate for God, insolence, haughtiness, boasting, evil entrepreneurship (paraphrase), disobedience (to parents), foolishness, faithlessness, heartlessness, ruthlessness. (1:28-31)
• Though I know that I deserve to die for my evil deeds, I keep doing them and endorse those who do as well (1:32)

Romans 2

• I judge others and condemn myself in doing so (2:1)
• The judgement of God falls rightly on me (2:2)
• I will not escape judgement for my actions (2:3-4)
• I am storing up wrath for myself because of my hard and impatient heart (2:5)
• If I am self-seeking and do not obey the truth, I will be under God’s wrath and fury (2:8)
• If I do evil there will be tribulation and distress (2:9)
• Whether I have the law or not, I am done for (2:12)
• My secrets and my conscience will damn me (2:15-16)

Romans 3

• I am not righteous (3:10)
• I do not understand, I do not seek God (3:11)
• I have turned aside, I have become worthless, I do not do good (3:12)
• I am deceitful (3:13)
• I curse and am bitter (3:14)
• I am quick to shed blood and I do not know peace.  I am miserable and ruined. (3:15-17)
• I do not fear God (3:18)
• I will be accountable to God for the above (3:19)
• I will never be justified in the eyes of God, no matter how good I am (3:20)
• I have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (3:23)

Romans 4

• I can work for my salvation, but I will never work enough to fulfill my debt (4:4)

Romans 5

• I have sinned along with every other man (5:12)
• I am condemned, along with every other man (5:18)

Romans 6

• I am a slave to sin (6:17)
• I present myself as a slave to impurity and lawlessness (6:19)
• I am heading toward death (6:21)
• The wages of my sin is death (6:23)

Romans 7

• My sinful passions, aroused by the law, are at work in my body to bring death (7:5)

Romans 8

• I set my mind on the things of the flesh, and by setting my mind on those things I am hostile to God because a mind set on the flesh cannot please God (8:5-8)
• If I am living according to my flesh (which I am) I will die (8:13)

Romans 9

• My salvation does not depend on my will or my exertion (9:16)

Romans 10

• If I do not believe in Christ, I will be put to shame (10:11)

I was laying today, awake from an afternoon nap (I feel a bit like Pooh Bear) and I decided to spend some time with the Lord. It was really sweet. I feel that I’ve neglected my faith in favor of school, work, dreams and ambitions, and the like. Here are a few verses from 2 Timothy that struck me, and some thoughts about each one.

Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.
2 Timothy 2:3-7 (ESV)

I’ve heard these verses preached so many times, but I’m not sure I understand what they mean to their full extent. The neat part is that Paul, in writing to Timothy, is saying “I know this will be hard to understand – I’m using metaphor – but the Lord will help you understand.” I pray, like Timothy, that I will know the fullness of Pauls meaning in time. I pray for discipline and stamina to run the race, to keep focus.

Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
2 Timothy 2:20-26

There’s a list of things here that Paul is telling Timothy to do and not do – which I think I should heed myself.

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.
2 Timothy 3:1-7

Again, Paul is listing how not to be human – but the verse at the end really caught my eye. I am an information addict. I love researching and learning. Part of it is my job, part of it is what I’m good at and how I’m wired. But I do not want to be the one who is “always learning but never able to arrive at the knowledge of the (T)ruth.” Lord. may it never be! Teach me!

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:16-17

And finally, I love that we will be equipped for every good work with the Scripture of the Lord. We joked the other day in the Institutional Effectiveness meeting about the word “competent” and how we cringe at that word when it is used in education. But it is not a bad word and it means that we’ll be ready. Lord may I be ready! Wash me in your word!

I’ve been reading the book of Mark lately.  I read through it last month, now I’m reading through it again.  I don’t read every day – though I feel that I should.  But I do enjoy reading the bible – specifically Mark.  I like Mark particularly because of Frederick Buechner’s notes on the man and the book in his own book Peculiar Treasures: A Biblical Who’s Who.  Buechner specifically writes about Mark’s hurried nature – he’s always starting sentences with “And”, one of his favorite words is “Immediately”.  Buechner also points out the fact that Mark leaves many things out of his gospel, but also includes many small details.  So I enjoy reading through Mark and noticing these things.  I think they make the pages “come alive” a bit.  Besides that, it’s always good to read about the person and work of Jesus Christ – there’s something transformative about the scriptures.

I changed the name of my blog.  It was “Only a Boy.”  I liked the name for a time, but the new one came to me yesterday and I like it more at this stage of my life.  Only a Boy came about with the view of my need to always learn and grow – never really moving past that boyish fascination with the world around me.  I still value that perspective, but I think the Unworthy Saint expresses my view better at this point in my life.  It is a step toward humility – it is a declaration of perspective.  It’s not to say I view myself as an unworthy saint, but I certainly should view myself that way.  So that’s the new title of my blog.  I’m hoping that it sinks in sooner or later and I really understand God’s grace.

I had some thoughts, that I hope will be encouraging, a few months ago that I decided to record:

Sometimes when we sing new songs in the Village service I find myself rather irritated.  Inside I say “Why can we not stick to the same songs we know?  Then I can better focus on Christ and worship.”  When I have thoughts like these I am reminded of Lewis’ Screwtape Letters – such a book has pressed me to deal with things I find irritable as though it is probably sin in me.  Because it is sin that I would be irritated at a simple worship song choice, I thought it best to search my heart.

Why am I annoyed with new songs?  Mostly because they take effort to learn.  I must read the words and try to learn the melody.  I cannot simply sing and pray, or sing and meditate on the meaning of the words, rather I must read the words and apply them in song.  What good is that?  It’s not very good.  I don’t feel that it’s as directly worshipful in the moment. Then why do it?

Well, the thought occurred to me – what if the corporate worship we engage in on Sunday morning was not itself fully centered on that particular time.  As in, what if the Sunday worship time had two main points – to glorify God now (in that time) and then (after that time).  It occurs to me that worship songs, the creation and craft of Christ-exalting musicians, are meant to inspire worship.  That is, worship at any moment.  They are to give God’s people a vocabulary with which to praise the Savior.  With every new song, the church’s vocabulary of worship is expanded.

“It Is Well with My Soul” is a wonderful song that leads me to worship.  But that song is not appropriate in every situation.  Rather, other songs are appropriate.  “Jesus Loves Me” might be an appropriate worship song in certain situations, namely those with children or on a particularly depressing day.

All of that to say, my perspective on new worship songs has changed.  I am thankful that our leadership at the Village sees fit to equip the saints with words of worship for every situation.  The service is not merely about worshiping God then, though that part is important, rather the service is also about expanding the church’s vocabulary of worship so that we might praise God in any situation.  And that’s a new idea to me.

I spent 45 minutes this morning reading George Verwer’s Drops From a Leaking Tap. Verwer is someone who stirs my affection for Christ.  He is radical and has been transformed by Christ.  He is passionate about sharing the gospel.  I am passionate, but fearful of sharing the gospel.  I am a weak man.  I am fearful of man, of offending other men, of making other people uncomfortable.  Perhaps that is why Verwer writes books – perhaps it is for fearful, compromised Christians like me who are scared of sharing their faith.  I saw of Brad Payne’s bookshelf the book “Just Walk Across the Room.”  That phrase convicts me, as does Verwer.  I read the first three chapters today.  I look forward to reading more.  God’s grace to George Verwer is his grace to me.  Thank God.

After 600+ posts, I’ve neglected this blog for some time.  It sorta makes me sad.  I’ve been busy and distracted.  Though as I sit here now, I have a little time.  I’m listening to the Lost Dogs.  Working a bit in Flash.  Wondering what to do next.  I feel a little sick.  Hoping to kick that soon.  Need to work on the house.  But not before lunch.  It’s good to see you old friend.  Perhaps we’ll spend more time together soon.

I found something I want to do before I die – learn to pick a lock.  Ligitimately, I want to be able to pick a lock with a paper clip or something similar.  Half inspired by the article in wired, half because my mom could do it and showed me how a long time ago.  My mom used to keep pennies, nickels and dimes in a small metal “bank” that she could pick the lock on with a hair pin.  I was in elementary school, so I’m sure I couldn’t remember how to do it now, but I’d like to learn again.  Add it to my bucket list – though I cringe at the name “bucket list”.